London Live

I hate it. The fact that I am so incredibly proud and immature.

I just can't deal with missing my boyfriend so much, and having a greater need for talking to him than he has for talking to me.

I know he misses me as much as I miss him. That he loves me, as much as I love him. He's just not a big a talker as I am. And he doesnt need to hear my voice every day to feel certain that everything is fine.

I do. I'm just so in need of reassurance, of love and support, every goddamned day. If I'm with him, I need him to BE there.

When I'm single, i'm fine, because I rely on myself. But part of a relationship is relying on each other. if I just stop relying on him altogether, and rely on myself fully, I also stop taking him into consideration. I stop loving him. I might not stay faithful.

Maybe it's not the same for him, maybe he can rely on himself and still love me wholeheartedly. Is that a personlaity issue. a male/female thing, or maybe I'm just wrong, maybe he does rely on me, and maybe him relying less on me IS a bad sign.

Whatever it is, I just act like a 4 year old kid who's been left by its mum in kindergarden, and when she comes to pick the child up, it screams and cries and is angry, because it's been left alone for a while. Instead of being happy that the missed person finally shows up.

Everytime. I can't just say I miss you, it's great to talk to you. I have to be angry, because it's been TOO long. He doesn't care about me enough. Obviously. Love is measured in phonecalls everybody learns that when they're 14 and they never change their mind about it later, right?

Fuck, I have to deal with this ridicolous pride and insecurity, and remember what love's fucking about.

I want to do this, I want to make this work. I decided that when we met, or rather, I started to beleive in miracles and real eternal, glittering, falling stars, soulmate love. And then I'm still here, acting like a teenager.

Because I get so scared. What if it ends. What if this love can die, fall apart, be worn down. What if not even this, the one thing I was ever sure about in my whole life, is wrong? I always change my mind about things. Everything, apart from this man.

From the first night I met him more than 2 years ago, to this second, I never really doubted that was it. I questioned him, and our love and our relaionship a million times, like I do with everything. But in my heart, I never belive, and still don't believe, it can die, it can end.

I fear the end of this love like death, and like death, I want to spend my time thinking about it, I just want to spend my time thinking about life and love I believe in.

But then this fear creps in: If he stops loving me. If he stops treating me right. I'm so screwed. Cos I really did put my whole heart and soul and money and time and educationa and belief into this, after having suffered 2 fucking dramatic broken hearts, I told myself, this is it, this is third time lucky, this is magic.

And that's too much pressure for a relationshop to carry, I can see that. He's just a human being, and so am I, imperfect and weak, and we can't be gods. He is not the meaning of life, he's just a beautiful man who loves me and makes me happy some of the time. I need to relax about this, and stop seeing this as the centre of my life. It'slove ad its great but it's not the only thing in life, adn it's not magic, its just two drunk people who met at 5 am in the morning next to a fridge.